marriage demons: louise of thirty-something bride

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Divorce sucks. It’s happening everywhere around us. There’s a single common thread in the divorces going on in our families and friends and that is: Everything changed when we got married. Obviously, this has us shaking in our boots a little bit, “What the hell goes on immediately after you say ‘I do’?” I asked some married bloggers to talk about their marriage demons, things that changed after they got married for better and for worse. I’m sure you know Louise, but in case you don’t, she writes the fantastic Thirty-Something Bride full of “Unfake Weddings,” as Louise calls them, and advice. So sit down and take notes.

When Lizzie wrote and asked me to be a guest blogger on the topic on Life After I Do, or as she more aptly put it, “got any ‘Marriage Demons’?” I hesitated. I wondered what, if anything, I could contribute after a marriage of 1 year 4 months and 16 days. What do I yet know of the demons?

But something that came screaming to forefront of my brain was a line I heard one of my parents say a long time ago.  It was about “behind closed doors. “

I’ll admit it; I was eavesdropping, but unintentionally. I overheard my parents speaking in loud whispers about a couple they knew who was getting divorced. The couple in question was a part of a group of Marine Corps families who all hung out together in the early to mid 70’s.

More than a decade later, I sat listening to my parents discuss the divorce of one of these families. I heard my dad pass along information about the relationship to my mom as a possible cause to the failed marriage. I remember over hearing my mom “tsk”-ing my dad, or maybe clucking her tongue at him in disdain and saying, “Now Gus, you just never know what goes on behind closed doors.”

Now ain’t that the truth?

We all look at someone else’s relationship from the outside and make plenty of assumptions and judgments. For instance, my cousin and I were chatting and she told me her husband was off dirt biking and she was left with the kids. Again. This happens more often than I, if it were my husband going dirt biking, would really want to accept. But she does. I questioned this in my head. When I visited her last month, we were talking about her trip to the University of Wales where she’s getting her PhD. On this last trip she spent extra days in London with her mother, celebrating her 70^th birthday. As she described all the loveliness of Oxford and the museums, she looked at me and said, “Made all those weeks Bill went dirt-biking totally worth it.” And just like that, the image I had of my cousin’s marriage was just blown to bits. My vision of her marital unfairness was most likely a little bit of compromising and negotiating on their part. And is that a silent negotiation or a verbal one? What exactly is going on behind those closed doors?

The Candyman and I talked about me writing this post at great length late one Friday afternoon, he with his sweet tea, me with my glass of wine. We talked about what, if anything, has changed since we’d been married.  I think I can sum up the conversation thusly: evolvement. We are constantly evolving in our relationship with each other. We both agree that it’s hard work. It’s sacrifice, both unyielding and reluctant in nature. It’s practice and progression, nowhere near perfection.

Recently, I went down to visit my parents and partake in an annual party they throw for their friends, A Low Country Brunch. One of couples from back in those Marine Corps filled days was able to come for the gathering. We talked about relationships and how each couple is different and how the couples they’ve known over the years had changed. We talked about the “behind closed doors” theory and how the outside of a relationship doesn’t necessarily reflect the inside of the relationship. And everyone agreed it was hard work.

This led me to thinking about this older generation and their perception and definition of marriage, so I called my dad. Whenever I want to know anything, I call and ask my dad. In my eyes, he pretty much knows everything and gives sound advice, whether you decide to take it or not. We got to talking about the conversation between me and my husband and evolving in a marriage. For The Candyman, the state of personal reflection, acknowledgement and action is a practiced one.  I know no other person who can look inside himself, recognize a fault, admit the fault and work to change the fault ON A REGULAR BASIS. Not when we have a fight. Not when he makes a bad decision. All. The. Time.  Me? Uh, not so much. I HATE looking at myself and acknowledging the faults and then modifying a behavior. Hate. It. But that’s what my dad says is the constant in marriage: having to look, modify, change. My parents have been married for 46 years. My dad says he thinks it’s harder now that it ever has been. He said as you experience life, you change how you think and what you think about.  Health plays a big part of that, I’m guessing.  I also talked to my mom. She’s never quite as forthcoming as my dad. She simply said it was a lot of hard work and a lot of compromise.

So where does that get us? Well, the initial conversation between Lizzie and I was how the betrothed couple were “all shaky-legged in the corner, ‘We believe in marriage forever, right?? Right?!’”  And I understand that feeling. There are people, good people, who get divorced. People I thought would “totally make it” are long-ago separated. What’s happening behind those doors???

What I’m hearing across the board is that marriage, regardless of length, is not easy. Like, at all. However, the catch-all heard from every couple is that it’s worth it. I asked my mom that question. I asked her straight up if it was worth all the hard work, after all these years. And she gasped. “*GASP* Well, of course it’s worth it! I love him! He’s my partner!” She answered almost as if I’d asked her to go to church and not wear any panties. Like it was the most ridiculous and inappropriate thing I’d ever asked.

I think it’s good that Lizzie and her honey-pie are nervous. It means they are paying attention. It means that this isn’t just about the wedding. They are looking up and around and beyond, paying attention to their relationship and how to avoid the pot holes. Being married is a near constant, yet-not-annoying buzz in the back of your brain. There’s a certain relationship-alertness one must maintain. But man, it’s hard. And everyone slips and makes mistakes or is just too damn tired to give a damn. The key is the work it takes to come back and away from the mistakes, and after a good night’s sleep to give a damn again. Often times, it’s learning that sometimes all it takes is a good night’s sleep.

So to answer the question, “Does stuff change after you get married?” You bet it does. It’s supposed to. The stuff behind our closed doors? It ain’t always pretty, but it’s always changing.