Isaiah and I don’t do costumes.
We searched for weeks for zero-effort costumes. Then we searched for medium-effort costumes. Then we went to Spirit Halloween, which might have been the single worst retail experience we have ever been through.
First, we thought about going as Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro. As in, I would be Napoleon. Isaiah would be Pedro. Or vice versa, I really didn’t give a fuck. I just needed to make sure I had something for the office party and I’m not opposed to wearing a tack-on mustache, although I spend hours a week making sure I don’t have a real one.
I popped open the simple buttons on the costume packaging to throw on the shirt to make sure it fit. We thought we had a winner. With a shirt halfway over my head, I felt a tap on my shoulder. The clerk was reminding us that Spirit prefers you try on clothes in an unsupervised dressing room after waiting in a 50-minute line than out in the open where they can see you. Awesome.
We grabbed Where’s Waldo and Where’s Wendy, Mario & Luigi and some 70′s cop getup that would have us both in curly afros and aviators. We waited in line. The attendant separated out the pieces of our costume that we were “allowed” to try on and we were shuffled into separate dressing rooms despite saying that we had no problem sharing one because we were just throwing on t-shirts over our clothes. “Sorry, I can’t,” she laughed nervously.
Neither of our dressing rooms had mirrors. Do I need to say more, really?
We left.
I found a goofy bear cap and huge sunglasses for a grand total of $12 from Wal-Mart and was planning on going as a sock-girl from Little Big Planet. Isaiah didn’t have a costume and it didn’t feel right. We stuck together and bought a pack of blank name tags and planned to go as “Dave” a la Jim from The Office.
Isaiah had a genius idea, made the graphics and sent them over for me to print and cut out after work before the party. It tickled me, honestly. I wore an hourglass icon and he wore a cursor. He was cursed. I was saved.
If you don’t care about Halloween and you want an easy fix to the costume problem, you can print out the easy-peasy PDF “costumes” below, thanks to Isaiah.
If you really need directions, here you go:
1. Print.
2. Cut with an x-acto knife.
3. Don’t cut off fingers.
4. Tape to shirt.
For the cursor icon, download this printable PDF.
For the hourglass, download this printable PDF.
Either way, I want to know what your Halloween costume policy is and what you’re going as/went as this year. So spill. Just because I don’t like wearing or, more accurately, buying costumes doesn’t mean I don’t like to see or hear about them, jeez.
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